.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
