My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
