You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
