I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
