her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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