are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
