Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
