oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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