I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
