okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
