I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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