i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
