i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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