there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
