my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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