I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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