I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.