Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
