drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
