All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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