I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Use "feeling words"
Yay
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
