Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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