My nipple is on Facebook.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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