i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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