Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
