So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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