i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
