I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
