I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
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