Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
