I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
