The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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