I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
