I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
