When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
send nudes
from the living room?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
