that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
