ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
