Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
