You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
