Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
