Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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