she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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