the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
