I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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