I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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