Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
