i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
