Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
