I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
