I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Operation Purity has been aborted
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
