It's Friday. Sex?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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