I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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