Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
