If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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