i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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