i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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